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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23580040">10 days</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayumihayashi/pseuds/ayumihayashi'>ayumihayashi</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Diary/Journal, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love Confessions, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, it will get better, sad renjun :(</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 22:07:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,930</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23580040</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayumihayashi/pseuds/ayumihayashi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Renjun gave himself 10 days.<br/>10 days to think about his life.<br/>10 days to write his last moments alive.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>90</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. day 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Starting a new (short thing), hope it will be good. :)</p><p>Please read this as if you were actually reading Renjun's diary! Chapters will be short except the last one.</p><p>Please, please. Stay safe.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em> <strong>today’s lyrics: why am i afraid of the end before i start? (CL - +PARADOX171115+)</strong> </em> </span>
</p><p class="p1"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"><em>dear stupid diary,</em> </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>am i really doing this?</em></span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>yes i am and i don’t know why. maybe it’s because you’re the only one who listens to me, maybe because you won’t judge me. probably. it’s stupid anyways.</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>feelings are difficult, it always been, at least for me so that’s why i decided to start this diary even though i probably won’t get to finish it, i hope i won’t.</em> </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>i missed school today, again.</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>whatever.</em> </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>things are bad.</em> </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>everything is so messy inside my head and i can’t tell anyone. i wish i had someone, you know? sometimes i’m jealous of people, donghyuck has mark, jeno has jaemin, chenle has jisung but me? i’m alone. poor pathetic renjun watching his "friends" forget about him, but it’s okay, i’m not mad. i can understand why no one wants me, i’m not exactly the best person to be friend with. enough of that, i’ll probably talk to you about this later. if i don’t forget about you.</em> </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>you know, i’m tired. i’m trying my best every day but i feel like everything is eating me up completely and it’s too much, sometimes i feel like i can’t breathe. it's so easy to pretend like nothing's wrong, to put on a smile and laugh real loud. especially if you do it every day. but it is so tiring. i just want to live my last moments alone, i took a decision, i am going to do it. i want to end all of this. maybe it’s selfish for the people i love and loved me but it’s my decision. i did not told anyone and i honestly don’t plan to.</em> </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>in 10 days i’m going to kill myself.</em> </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>                                                                  -renjun</em> </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. day 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong> <em>today's lyrics: </em> <em>i'</em><em>m back and forth, i think i'm going crazy. i'm back and forth, i can't make up my mind. (the neighbourhood - wiped out!)</em> </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>dear fucking diary,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>friends are interesting people. they can go into several different categories. one category is the "best friend" category. believe it or not but i don’t have any. sure, i have hyuck, jaemin, mark and jeno but honestly, between us, i don’t feel like they’re my friends. you know those friends that you see everyday but you can’t seem to talk to them about other things than school stuff and things that aren’t private? those friends that you weirdly don’t feel comfortable enough to have a deep conversation with? these friends are nothing special. now, these people may be great and nice but, nothing special.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>it’s sad, isn’t it? i get to see them be close every day, be there for each others but who is there for me? i'm lonely. al</em>
  <em>l the time. even when i'm with people. i'm still lonely. that makes no sense right? you can’t be lonely if you’re surrounded by people. but why am i so lonely then. i don't understand and i don't think i'll ever will.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>i'm writing this in the bathroom. i said i was going to take a bath so my parents could leave me alone, mom got kind of scared though. as if being alone was the thing that makes me want to die. well. maybe it is?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>i wish people would understand me, i wish i wasn't crying every day until i can't breathe anymore, i wish i was happy. but happiness feels superficial to me. i crave that happiness but at the same time i feel like all of it is fake. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>maybe i'm just stupid.</em>
</p><p>                                                                  <em>-renjun</em></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. day 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em> <strong>today's lyrics: something is wrong, i can't explain. e</strong> </em> <em> <strong>verything changed when the birds came, y</strong> </em> <em> <strong>ou'll never know what they might do if they catch you too early. (the neighbourhood - prey)</strong> </em></p><p>
  <em>dear diary,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>i spent my day crying. fun, right? i don't know what i'm doing, it's almost four in the morning and im writing. i'm in my room, in the dark and i'm wondering, what is wrong with me? why do i feel like this? why am i like this?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>donghyuck called me "fucking dumb" today, we got into an argument, he also said he was tired of my "depressed ass being always so fucking sad". i wasn't in a good mood and i think i probably replied a little coldly when he told a joke. i mean, i can understand why he felt the need to say this, what i dont understand is why no one was on my side. why did the others watched and said nothing? we are friends right?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>it kinda hurts you know, i know i've said that they're not really my "best friends" but it still hurts a lot. it stings really bad, right in the heart.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>i think, maybe what hurts the most was seeing jaemin standing there, doing nothing. i'm well aware that he doesn't feel the same way i feel about him but i hoped that he would at least do something. im so stupid. this isn't a love story.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>i told mom i wasn't feeling well before locking myself in my room. she believed me. ive been tempted to take those pills but maybe im scared, i don't really know. last time was really bad.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>i think, i'll stop feeling like this when i will disappear.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>                                                                  -renjun</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. day 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>in a bad place mentally, sorry for the late update and the possibly late upcoming ones.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> <strong>today's lyrics: and i'll admit that i sometimes, maybe, might, think about you at night, well, almost every night. (conan gray - lookalike)</strong> </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>dear diary,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>days minus six, haha. i don't know why i am not even sad about it, i feel mostly empty to be honest. it feels like i am going to do a chore and move on. but it's alright.</em>
</p><p><em>donghyuck still haven't talked to me, i sent him a text but he only replied with "i don't want to talk right now, renjun." which is upsetting because i should be the one mad right now. i should be the one donghyuck should apologize to. why do people never take me seriously? why do they hurt me and act like i am not a human being with actual feelings? i am hurt, and sad, mad too, probably but why am i being treated like this? you know, sometimes i just want <strike>a friend</strike></em> <em>someone i could talk to and they would actually acknowledge how i actually feel. </em></p><p>
  <em>i don't think any of them are going to apologize but jaemin tried to talk to me before i walked back home after class. i don't know why i ignored him honestly, probably because i am still upset that he did not step in but i'm sure it's because i can't look at him for more than two seconds without blushing. it's embarrassing really and it might not be love (i don't know, is it?) but he makes me feel..weird? not in the wrong way. more like in the "i really want to hug him and probably kiss him until we're both blushing" way, and i don't know how to feel about it. i like it, in some ways, but i also know that life is not a fairytale and he doesn't like me the way i do. and if he does, which will never happen by the way, i would not know how to react? i never really felt loved or appreciated by anyone except my mom, ridiculous right? haha.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>it might be my trust issues, might be my fear of giving love or just my fear of showing vulnerability. i don't know. all i know is that i'm scared. whatever i do, i feel like it's not enough. i will keep pushing my feelings away.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>all i want before all of this end is at least an apology but even if i don't have one, </em>
  <em>it's ok, it's fine, it'll be over soon.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>                                                                  -renjun</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. day 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hello, sorry for the late update, i was working on other fics and also I'm not doing great mentally so it's a lot harder for me to write these days. this chapter isn't very important or good ngl.</p><p>hytori xx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <strong>today's lyrics: j'ai tout appris par cœur, j'ai bien nourri mes peurs et j'essaie de croire en moi, comme je sais que tu crois en moi. (pomme - comme tu dis)</strong>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>dear diary,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>still no apology, should i even be surprised? donghyuck is very stubborn and prideful. it still hurts though, i think i deserve an apology, friend or not. but whatever right? i can't force him to apologize, but it really shows donghyuck's true colors, i think. fuck him and his stubborn ass, it doesn't matter anymore anyway, i'll be gone soon.</em>
</p><p><em>jaemin gave me a note today, he slid it on my table with his <strike>cute</strike> dumb <strike>bunny</strike> smile. </em> <em>i still haven't opened it yet and i don't think i want to, but I'm so curious, what does he wants from me? it's not like we're close. i guess if I open this note I would have the answers I need, why am I so nervous about this haha? it's just jaemin. pretty, talented and extremely polite na jaemin.</em></p><p>
  <em>i'm opening it. I'll tell you about it tomorrow.</em>
</p><p>                                                                  -<em>renjun</em></p><p>Renjun sighed, closing his diary before reaching for the folded piece of paper thrown carelessly on his desk. He hesitated for some time, playing with the corners of the paper. His mind was racing. Wondering what was inside the paper. He sighed once again, carefully opening the note, his eyes fell on a neat handwriting and silly doodles.</p><p> </p><p><em>Hello! </em>&gt;᎑&lt;</p><p><em>I'm sorry if this is weird to you but I figured that writing would be an easier way to talk to you, not that you're unapproachable! I don't know, I just thought it would be easier. I tried talking to you yesterday but I assume that you had something to do, it's okay though! No feelings were hurt. </em>ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ̀ˋ</p><p>
  <em>First of all, I'm sorry about Donghyuck. I know I shouldn't be the one apologizing but I feel bad and I definitely should've said something, the others too. Donghyuck is a little stressed out these days, which shouldn't be an excuse for acting like an asshole with you but I know him, he didn't mean that and I know he will apologize to you. He can be quite stubborn but he will realize that he was wrong for what he did.</em>
</p><p><em>Secondly, I really wanted to know if you like cats and if you do, would you like to go with me to a cat cafe near the city? If you do not like cats we can just go to a normal one! It's not a problem! </em> (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵) <em>I would love to spend some time with you and learn more about who the mysterious Renjun is. ^^</em></p><p><em>You can say no if you want to, I promise I won't take it personally!! </em> <b>(∩˃o˂∩)</b></p><p><em>Rip off one of the answers and give it to me tomorrow. Have a nice day and a good night Renjun! </em>♡</p><p>
  <em>-----------------------------------------------</em>
</p><p><em>Yes I love cats and would like to see you! </em>♡♡</p><p>
  <em>-----------------------------------------------</em>
</p><p><em>I'd like to see you but I don't really like cats. </em>(๑◕︵◕๑)</p><p>
  <em>-----------------------------------------------</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'm sorry, I don't want to spend time with you.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>-----------------------------------------------</em>
</p><p>Renjun chuckled at the childish doodles and question, his cheeks a faint dusty pink. <em>Is Jaemin asking him on a date? </em>No, it probably wasn't. Renjun was reading too much into it and he knows he shouldn't, he can end up with a broken heart, he knows it but he can't help feeling excited like a schoolgirl with a dumb crush. It wouldn't hurt to hang out with Jaemin, right? The boy took out his ruler and neatly ripped off the first answer, folding it in half and sliding it inside his phone case.</p><p>That night, Renjun fell asleep faster than usual, small smile on his lips.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>song lyrics translation: i learned everything by heart, i fed my fears and I'm trying to believe in myself the way i know you believe in me.</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>comments are welcome, hope you liked it!</p><p>follow me/come talk to me on twitter:<a href="https://t.co/GUR4UKbqXG">@taeilsyndrome</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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